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BOOK TITLE: “Mum Knows Best – Witty conversations with my mother” By Veena Nankani RETAIL PRICE: £5.99 some stores sell the book in U.S. Dollars at approx $9.99 EBOOK: The book is available in ALL eBook formats 6th September 2014 The eBook is also available in specific formats at the outlets listed below: EPub 3 Apple, Google Play, Kobo, Sony Mobi/KF8 Amazon Kindle PagePerfect Barnes & Noble PDF Other eBook retailers Apps 1 Stanza (iPhone, iPod & iPad iOS) Apps 2 Bluefire (Android OS) PAPERBACK: www.amazon.co.uk and www.amazon.com END OF NOVEMBER 2014
ABOUT THE BOOK
As a child, I was an introvert. My quiet, reclusive and introspective disposition along with being a sickly child did not bode well with my mother. This book is a laugh-out-loud gut busting anecdotal recount of my life journey through the experiences shared with my mother; who in her attempts to pull me out of my shell adopts some unconventional motivational methods. Beneath the brashness of my mother’s speech, lay the queen of common sense philosophy. In this book you will get to know a little about my mother. You will discover:
- Her love of the words foolish, stupid, idiot and furthermore.
- Her interesting use of the words very, great, wonderful, congratulations, thank you and goodbye.
- Her brilliantly quick mind, sharp tongue and her ability to insult you whilst simultaneously complimenting you.
- Her questioning of what the scientists are doing with their time.
- Her less than pleasant options, followed by her generous statement of “the choice is yours to make.”
- Her casual integration of speech about death in regular conversation.
- Her flare for dramatic descriptions.
- Her ability to turn any word into a noun, adjective or verb.
- The many names she has given me over the years.
- Her unflinching love and support of me during many medical ups and downs, both as a child and as an adult.
“I read the entire book in one sitting, I couldn’t put it down. I laughed the night away. You’ll love this book!” Dr. Afua Addo-Abedi, Canada “This book should come with a warning: You may experience pain in your jaw, uncontrolled laughing seizures and hyperventilation. This book is hilarious.” R. Arroyo-Dans, Belgium “Whatever your nationality, you’ll hear the voice of your parents pushing through the wit of Veena’s mum. Thanks for reminding me of the good old days of my childhood. I loved all the 80s & 90s references! This is an excellent piece of written comedy.” C. B, U.K. “An absolute must read! I haven’t laughed this hard in decades.” Rita Rajesh Agnani, India “Through the lens of comedy, you gain a great appreciation of a mother’s love expressed in colourful exchanges with an unconventional daughter. This book will leave you with tons of laughter, inspiration and tears of joy. You’ll grow fond of Veena’s mother and you’ll be fascinated by Veena. Dr. Denise A. Asafu-Adjei, U.S.A “Funny outlook on parenting from the perspective of a child. This book will make you laugh, but it will also make you think. It’s an absolutely brilliant book.” Kanta, Gran Canaries A SELECTION OF SHORT QUOTES FROM “MUM KNOWS BEST“
“It appears you have made peace with your foolishness.” “I will not suffer fools gladly. They will fall victim to my extensive vocabulary.” “Why are you still short? Think like a Kenyan and grow!” “They have warned us about Global Warming, but why are they not warning us about Global Speaking.” “Who told you to get a pixy cut? You have defiled the genetics of my hair which I encoded into your scalp.” “Why is the saber-toothed tiger extinct? I need it to kill this man for me right now. I cannot tolerate his nonsense any longer.” From Morse Code to strange abbreviated text messages – I have learnt it all.” “I want to know: What is the internet? Who owns the internet? Where is it located? What does it do? And how is it relevant to my life?” “Marriage is the most beautiful thing about life. It’s a blessing from God. Besides, we need men to carry things for us.” “I have never claimed to have a photographic memory like you. My memory is photogenic.” A SELECTION OF LONGER QUOTES FROM “MUM KNOWS BEST“
SPRING ROLL Mum: My children, come. I have made you spring roll, but now it is spring dead. All of you should go to the kitchen and look at the spring roll. Do not eat it, for it has been burnt to a crisp. Just look at it and understand that I made you spring roll. SANTA Veena: Mum, is Santa Claus real? Mum: Who? Veena: Santa Claus. Father Christmas. Mum: Never heard of him. SLEEP WALKING Mum: Are you asleep? Veena: Yes. Mum: Then wake up and go back to sleep. What you are doing is nonsense. LEGO Veena: Mum, I can’t find all the pieces of my Lego set. Mum: I don’t care. PET Veena: Mum can we have a dog please? Mum: No. Veena: Why not? Mum: (She laughs heartily) I can’t believe you actually think you are entitled to a reason. Oh my goodness, that’s funniest thing I’ve heard all week. Veena: Okay mum, can we have a rabbit instead? Mum: Now you’re talking – I haven’t made rabbit stew for ages, you’ll love it! CRY PROPERLY Mum: Why are you crying over this small cut? I once saw a boy with an amputated hand; was he crying? No. In my day when we cut ourselves they poured kerosene over the sore or put a hot iron rod on it to seal the wound. We didn’t have fancy plasters with all kinds of stupid drawings on them. Which plaster do you want, Tom and Jerry or Thunder Cats? For me to even ask you this question sounds like nonsense to my ears. Furthermore when you cry, cry properly. There is no need to cry waving your hands all over the place. Are you flagging a cab? Veena: (Mumbling) No. Mum: Then what kind of nonsense flagrant flamboyant exhibitionist attention seeking crying is this? Do I look like someone who cares? Sit down and cry quietly. I thought you are an introvert. Are you having some sort of personality disorder in this crying display? Gesticulated wailing and the throwing around of one’s body should be saved for the justified mourning of loved ones, not for children’s tantrums. If you are choosing to speak words whilst you are crying, ensure you pronounce them properly. No child of mine will cry like they have a speech impediment. Thank you. BEATING Mum: You are testing my ability to conform to the law. If you weren’t my child I’d kick you so hard you’d go back in time and re-enter my ovaries. Now sit still and behave or you’ll have to slap yourself; I will not be accused of hitting my children. ASK GOD Veena: Mum can I have a bicycle for my birthday please? Mum: Speak your petition before God and stop asking me questions for which I don’t know the answer. May His will be done. Amen. INTRODUCTION TO HOUSEWORK Mum: It is time you learnt to cook and clean. You must learn how to make soups, stews, roast meat, grill meat, various rice dishes and how to gut and clean fish. I have declared Saturday’s housework and cooking day for you. You must learn. Veena: But mum, I am more interested in my studies. Mum: What good is being a doctor if you don’t know how to fry an egg? Will your degrees cook for your husband or will you? Veena: But mum I’m eight years old. Mum: It’s about time you grew up and started sharing the household responsibilities. Now that you are eight, I need to start preparing you for marriage. From now on your name is Cinderella. SUNBURN When I got severely sunburnt on the second day of a holiday in Mauritius, had to source topical medication and couldn’t go out for several days: Mum: You are not good at being a black person. Evidently you did not inherit my genetics of higher UV Rays Protection. From now on your name is Freddy Krueger. I need to buy you SPF 10,000 before you ruin the rest of this holiday. Next time you go to a hot country you will wear a white burka! ADOPTION Veena: Mum, am I adopted? Mum: To be perfectly honest I cannot remember. PETROLUEM JELLY, A.K.A. VASELINE
Veena: Mum, I’ve got a blister. Mum: Use Vaseline. Veena: Mum, I’ve got a chewing gum in my hair. Mum: Use Vaseline. Veena: Mum, I’ve run out of body lotion. Mum: Use Vaseline. Veena: Mum, I’ve run out of hair cream. Mum: Use Vaseline. Veena: Mum, I can’t find my lip balm. Mum: Use Vaseline. Veena: Mum, dad says I should shine his shoes. Mum: Use Vaseline. Veena: Mum, they said we should bring glue to school next week. Mum: Use Vaseline. Veena: Mum, dad says the car has a puncture. Mum: Tell him to use Vaseline. Veena: Mum, I don’t fit into my jeans. Mum: Lose weight, lose weight, lose weight! Even Vaseline has its limits. FEEL FREE TO WRITE YOUR REVIEW OF “MUM KNOWS BEST” IN THE COMMENTS BOX BELOW. YOUR REVIEW IS GREATLY APPRECIATED. THANK YOU! TO SHARE YOUR OWN FUNNY CHILDHOOD/PARENTING STORIES, PLEASE WRITE ON THE BLOG PAGE OF THIS WEBSITE OR CLICK HERE “MUM KNOWS BEST“. THANK YOU.
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|© 2014 Veena Nankani www.veenanankani.com My web content, posts and pictures may be shared on social media but may not be used for commercial purposes without my consent. Veena Nankani - Author of “Mum Knows Best”, Life Coach, Nutritionist, Motivational Speaker, Writer, Poet, Professional Reviewer and Entrepreneur.|